Only the beginning

So many things have happened since my last post. I am now a married woman. A wife. It still feels slightly weird as it comes off my tongue, but a good kind of weird. On September 10th I woke up to a fairy tale and a day that I will never forget. I can't describe the anxiousness and the complete joy I felt that day. After two years of planning, it was finally time for us to say our "I Do's". Every minute of our wedding day is ingrained in my mind and I love reliving those feelings when I think about it. As I look through our wedding photos I realized how lucky we are. There are so many pictures of my family, friends, and Tyler and I laughing and smiling. The pictures still bring tears to my eyes even though I've looked at them non-stop the last few days. Our wedding day was perfect.

This picture gets me every time. The moment my Dad gave me away. I'll always be his little girl.

Our wedding day was such a joyous day for my parents. They were beaming with laughter and smiles all day. I'm beyond blessed to have them in my life and the day wouldn't have been complete without them.

My Mom is the strongest woman I know. As I was rushing to get my veil on before we walked to line up I asked her if it was straight and looked alright and she replied, "You look beautiful."

If she only realized I get my beauty from her :)

Two years ago Megan had the honor of being the first to know about our engagement. She's been there for me every step of the way. And I can't wait to be there for her on her special day. She's next :)

I'm so blessed to have Megan as my best friend

The kiss. The beginning of our new life as a married couple. I love how our pastor Paul is looking at his watch in the background. We couldn't have asked for a better officiant to marry us.

My girls are so beautiful, not only on the outside, but even more so on the inside! Each one of them have a special place in my heart.

I couldn't ask for a better group of ladies :)

And I can't forget Tyler's groomsman...

Who decided to wear Sheriff badges on our wedding day...

I married such a handsome firefighter :)

These are some of my favorites <3

I'm glad the wedding planning is behind us, but I wish I could live our wedding day over everyday. It was such a wonderful celebration of our love and new life together. Even though we can't relive September 10th we can still build upon it. That day was only the beginning <3

In The Garden

Who knew something so tragic could turn into something so peaceful and healing for my family. Today was the first time I had been home since Sunday. When I got out of my car I couldn't help but look under the tree where Buster was layed to rest. On Sunday it was nothing but dirt, but today it was a breath of fresh air. My Mom is in the process of turning the area under our backyard tree into a memorial garden for our beloved furry family members. Buster's headstone is a beautiful round patterned stone and on his headstone sits a statue of a squirrel. Not just any squirrel. A particularly chubby squirrel. This site brought a smile to my face and I began laughing to myself. My Mom has the best sense of humor, which is exactly what we need right now. We all got a kick out of seeing the chubby squirrel sitting on Buster's headstone. What's even more ironic is that for the first time in months, two squirrels came down and played in the garden. I'm sure Buster's in heaven right now chasing squirrels :)

In addition to the cute chubby squirrel, my Mom has also put in a stone bench for us to sit on and soak up the peace of the garden. The seat of the bench reads "Leave a path for the Angels to walk through." And again, the saying is pretty ironic because of Angel, our adopted Boston Terrier. Angel walks through the garden all the time because she likes the dirt, so we have left her a path to walk through. It reminds me of the first day that I brought Angel to my parents she ran through our vegetable garden without a second thought. Buster couldn't understand why she was allowed to go through the garden but he wasn't.

I couldn't imagine a more serene and peaceful way to remember Buster and I'm really looking forward to planting flowers in his garden next year and watching them bloom into something beautiful.

Simply Blessed

The last few weeks have been rough. Really rough. But, I've never been more blessed. And I've learned to appreciate life more than ever in the last few weeks. After all I went through yesterday, today was more than I could ask for. I woke up with a new attitude and put my sorrows behind me. Yes, I miss Buster more than ever and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about him, but I was constantly smiling when I thought of him today. There were little reminders of him everywhere. When we took him to the vet yesterday, we forgot his collar and leash. So, I pulled a hot pink hankerchief out of my back pocket and tied it on his neck. He wore it until the vet arrived. That pink hanky is now tied around my rear view mirror. I can't help but smile when I see it. There have also been other signs of him. I saw a rainbow for the first time in weeks on my way home from work. It was pretty ironic because my former teacher Mrs. Warner posted on my facebook wall last night, "He will be waiting for you on the Rainbow Bridge." And I know he is :) Mom and I also went to pick out the stones for Buster's garden. I can't wait to see how everything turns out and I know it's going to be a very special place to go and remember him.

I also had the privilege of visiting with my Grammy today in Winchester. While I was there we started working on my table runners for the wedding reception. For the first time in years, I sat at a sewing machine. It felt so good. And it felt even better sewing with her. It made me think about to the summers I spent with her as a child. For two summers in a row, all I would do was sew and work on my quilts. I desperately miss it and am determined to finish quilt in the near future. As we pinned and sewed the table runners she talked about how excited about the wedding. Her words were bitter sweet, because five months ago she wasn't in my life. And now I couldn't imagine not having her be there for my wedding.

God is good!

So, here we are... 12 days until the wedding! While waiting for my coffee at Starbucks I was telling the guy making my coffee that I was getting married next Saturday. I had to step back and take a reality check. Next weekend! Ohmygoodness!  I'm so ready to become Tyler's wife and I can't believe how the last two and even the last six years have went.

Regardless of all the heartache and pain, I'm blessed beyond belief and I'm ready to start this new chapter of my life <3

Go Rest High On That Mountain

As I answered the phone this morning I felt the numbness I felt on July 12th, the day we discovered Buster's lymphoma. When I saw Ranee's number I knew that it was time. She didn't say much, just that I needed to come home immediately. I prayed that Buster had went peacefully in his sleep but that wasn't the case as I walked in the door and saw him. He looked so tired and in so much pain. As we packed up to head to Winchester to relieve him of his pain, Mom told me that when he was outside this morning he dug two holes in the place where we buried him this afternoon. Yes, you heard me correctly. Buster dug his own hole and a second one for Tynie. He was ready to die and finally have rest. And it seems that he knew that Tynie's time here is short as well.

The ride to Winchester was peaceful yet full of sorrow as Buster lay on my lap in the back seat. As we walked into the vet hospital, Dad decided to decline from being in the room with him when he passed. Seeing him say Goodbye to Buster was the hardest things I've ever witnessed. My Dad is a many of many words, but today he couldn't have been more quiet. I've never seen my Dad cry as much as he did today and neither has Mom. I lost it when he gave Buster one last hug and told him that he loved him. My Dad lost his son and his baby today. And he later told me that this is the hardest thing he's ever went through.

We then were taken to a side room and waited there for what seemed an eternity. There were several animals who came in critical care as we taken to our room, which meant the doctor couldn't see us for over an hour and a half. In a way I'm glad we had to wait. It gave me extra time to spend with Buster. I layed on the floor next to him the whole time and just held him. Every twenty minutes or so he would get up and move to the door and just stare at it. It was almost as if he was wanted the vet to hurry up and come in. It still amazes me how ready he was. He wanted to rest so bad and it absolutely breaks my heart. He was tired of being in pain and hurting. When the time came to give him the medicine I layed next to him and watched him take his last breathe and I closed his eyes for him. At that moment I felt the peace that Buster had been longing for. He was finally pain free and cancer free.

The ride home was the longest ride I've every experienced. An hour of silence mixed with my Mom breaking down in the back seat as she held Buster. When we finally made it home, we layed Buster underneath a tree and let Tynie and Angel come to terms with it. We all broke down as Tynie layed right next to Buster. He realized his brother is gone and was mourning. Later this afternoon we finished the hole Buster had started and layed him to rest at the foot of the mountain, underneath a tree, in our new memorial garden in the back yard. As Dad put the first dirt on Buster he cried out "God Bless you Buster!" My heart broke all over again when he said this.

We all know that Dad's last words to him were true. God blessed us with Buster and he deserves every bit of blessing. Even though his time with us was short, he was a joy everyday and his spirit will live on. As we put him to rest, a strong yet calming wind came. I believe with my whole heart that it was a sign from Buster. I miss that boy terribly, but I couldn't be happier for him. He's finally where he's been longing to be for the last few weeks. I know he's up in heaven right now looking down on us. And I know he's also up there chasing squirrels and running cancer free. And that just makes me smile.

In my heart I knew he wouldn't make it to the wedding day. It was my wish and even though it didn't come true, my prayers were still answered. All I've been asking for for the past few days is peace for Buster. And he got it today. In a way, I'm glad he chose today to be the day. Because I honestly don't think I could have handled his passing any closer to the wedding day. Even though he won't be there physically, he'll still be there in spirit.

I can only hope that no one ever has to go through what I've went through today. This has been by far the hardest day of my life. But, I wouldn't change a thing. I was there with him during his last breathes and that is so special to me. I've realized that God wanted Buster for a reason and his cancer made us realize how precious life is and how he was anything but a pet or a dog. He was my brother and my baby and I was blessed to have him in my life for four years.

Of all the songs that came to mind today, this one is perfect.

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

InstrumentalGo rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

God Bless you Buster!

Buster Jewel Sager
December 5, 2006 - August 28, 2011

Praying at 4 a.m.

After spending the evening/night with Duane and Joni in Richmond at a rally with one our business' leaders, I found myself driving home from Harrisonburg at 4 a.m. During my drive home I began reflecting on how my day had went and what all the next two weeks have in store. My mind immediately went to my sweet Buster

.

Since my last post we've doubled his steroid intake and he was back to his old self. Until two days ago. As I was cleaning with Mom yesterday we started talking about the wedding, which led to Buster. There's a slim chance he'll be here for the wedding. His abdomen is starting to bloat and he is more tired than ever. Mom said that if he isn't better by the first of September, which is next week, we'll put him to rest. My heart shattered when Mom spoke these words. I can't handle any more false hopes. I can't handle what is about to unfold in the next two weeks. I can't handle losing Buster before the wedding. It's hard enough planning a wedding and moving into a new house, but it's been much harder getting over Buster's diagnosis the last month and a half. September 10 will be two days shy of two months since his diagnosis. And I can only pray for a miracle that Buster will be there on our wedding day.

I've been reluctant to share my wedding plans regarding Buster with my family because of his health. But, if it's God's will and he's still with us on our wedding day, he will walk down the aisle with Ranee and he'll sit with Mom and Dad during the service. That's all I want at this point. I'm to the point where I don't care what little details don't go right on our wedding day. There's more important things to think about.

 Just a few days ago I went to visit Buster and his little nub of a tail wouldn't stop wagging. He looks fine on the outside but we know he's just putting on a smile for us. Every time I go home I can see the pain in my family's eyes. Especially my Dad's. In addition to Buster's lymphoma, Tynie, our 16 year old Bischon isn't doing well. We believe he's had two light strokes in the last few months and as Buster dwindles away, so does Tynie. These boys are our babies, especially my Dad's.

So, back to my 4 a.m. ride home. Reflecting on Mom's words from that afternoon really hit me hard. I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life. But it all came down to one thing. Keeping Buster alive until the wedding. I know I'm basically asking for a miracle, but I know that if it's God's will, it will be done.

Overwhelmed... but in a good way

The last few days have been non stop and a little overwhelming for the soon to be Burgoyne's. On Wednesday we got our marriage license (we're almost official!), bought a new washer and dryer (compliments of my wonderful parents), and made 1,001 stops (well, maybe not that many) in Harrisonburg to get some necessities for our house. Thursday and Friday consisted of me working two 11 hour days while trying to move our stuff into the new house. And most importantly...Saturday was MOVE IN DAY (thank the Lord!) After months of painting, cleaning up, and fixing up the house, we can now call this hilltop HOME! After moving all of our belongings and furniture we were finally able to spend the evening organizing and decorating. We're about halfway done unpacking everything (which is mostly my stuff) and still have the bathroom and laundry room to be finished this week. It's amazing to see each room come together as we make this space our own.

In addition to all of last week's madness, I started my new job at Woodland Montessori today :) It feels so good to be back and I can't wait to see the kids again! The girls at work have welcomed me back with open arms and I feel more at peace than ever with my decision. It's going to be a great school year!

Furthermore, I am still in shock that it's already August. I blinked and missed summer. We only have 26 days until the wedding! And I am far from being prepared for what is about to unfold that day. We still have numerous things to finish with the reception area and other logistics. But, no matter what, I know that everything is going to get done and I just need to stop stressing about it.

On the bright side, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow because for the first time I get to wear my dress for half the day! I'll be spending most of tomorrow evening with my photographer, Rebekah Girvan, at Bridgewater College snapping pictures of me in my gorgeous dress :) As I tried it on today with my veil, I got that overwhelming feeling that reality is getting ready to set in. But it was a good overwhelming feeling.

 I'm marrying my best friend in 26 days! Dreams do come true!

Lessons Learned

I've been dreading this day since July 12th. I knew it would come. I just didn't know when. As I walked into my parent's house today my heart sank and I broke down. Buster can't keep his food down anymore. I walked over to him with his tail going as fast as it could and I immediately felt the lumps that we had felt a little less than a month ago. The cancer is spreading and it's only a matter of time. So here I am again, starting over with the grief and hurt that has come with Buster's diagnosis of Stage III lymphoma. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's been very difficult.

And again, like the day after his diagnosis, I laid on the floor with him and just held him and sobbed. I know God has a reason for everything, but I just can't figure this one out. Why Buster? Why at age 4? Why my family? And why cancer?

I know that in the last several posts all I've talked about is his lymphoma. So I thought I'd use this post to talk about the lessons I've learned from Buster over the last 4 years.

Live Life To The Fullest

This has been Buster's motto since he came into our lives on January 30, 2007. Within the first year of his life, Buster managed to get Mom new flooring, new baseboards, new telephone cords, and a couple other things. Mom says that he listened to her wants and needs and made them come true :) Dad on the other hand wasn't so fond of Buster's motto. However, this gentle giant grew on him and they were best friends in no time. Even though Buster has caused a good bit of damage at my parent's house, we always get a good laugh out of it. When we came home on Christmas Eve 2007 after our church play, we found the hall carpet ripped up and the baseboards destroyed. Mom laughed and said, "Looks like I'm getting my new flooring after all!" While Dad gave Buster a death stare.

Unconditional Love Conquers All 

The single most amazing thing about dogs is their unconditional love and ability to understand feelings. No matter how mad I was at Buster for chewing something or running off and exploring the neighborhood he always would cuddle up and attempt to make up with me. And he always succeeded. The hardest thing in the world is trying to not love him. Buster also has a way of understanding feelings. He knew when I was sad, mad, or not feeling well. Buster was also there with me through my crazy teenage/high school years. He was there to comfort me after I had the biggest arguments with my Mom and there when Tyler and I took a break from dating.  Buster has been through it all. I only wish that he could help me get through the next couple of months. But I know he'll be watching over me.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

This was one of my favorite movies growing up. However, I never thought that my dogs would be called to heaven so soon. I only wish that Buster could have a second chance and come back down to stay. But I know that I'd always be wishing for one more day if that would be the case. I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, dogs go to heaven. And Buster will be a shining star up there. He's been a complete joy and has made a difference in the lives of every one of my family members. He deserves a spot up there. End of story.

So here's to Buster and all the lessons he has taught me :)

Things I Don't Understand

I don't understand why people completely mess up a rental house after they've been evicted.
I don't understand why my landlord is crazy and rude.

I don't understand why the most wonderful people on earth get cancer.

I don't understand why people judge those who are different.

I don't understand why money controls everything.

I don't understand why people smoke around others who are allergic to cigarette smoke.

I don't understand why people smoke/dip when they know it causes cancer.

I don't understand why people give up so easily when the going gets tough.

I don't understand why people hurt innocent animals.

I don't understand why some people don't believe in God.

I don't understand why some parents don't pay attention to their kids or don't believe in their kids.

I don't understand why people try to cheat their way through the system and other people pay for it.

I don't understand why wealthy people don't contribute to charities more often.

I don't understand why our societies priorities and morals are all messed up.

I don't understand why people are slobs and don't clean up after themselves.

I don't understand why weddings cost so much.

I don't understand why college costs so much.

I don't understand why to do lists always end up getting bigger instead of smaller.

I don't understand why my boxer has lymphoma.

I don't understand why teacher's salaries aren't higher.

I don't understand why there's so much conflict going on in our world.

I don't understand why our government insists on helping other countries when it's own citizens are suffering.

I don't understand why politicians and officials make so much when our country is in debt.

I don't understand why anyone would ever want to harm their spouse or their children.

I don't understand why some people are lazy, arrogant, ignorant.. etc.

I don't understand a lot of things.

It's The Little Things

Today I again had another realization of how blessed I am. I have a wonderful family. Both old and new.  Both my parents and my future in-laws spent most of their day helping Tyler and I work on our new house. My mind was pretty scattered as I tried to figure out what needed to be done and what couldn't be done before the new windows are put in. But we got a lot done! As I stood in the bathroom with both of my parents as they worked on our sink and measured the bath tub, tears began running down my face. When I realized what was happening I walked into the next room to get myself together. At first I couldn't figure out why my body decided cry. However, it didn't take me long to realize why. My parents are one of my biggest blessings. And the sad thing is that I didn't realized it until a couple years ago.

To be honest, my Mom and I didn't have a great relationship when I was a teenager. We were far from friends. I hit a rebellious stage during high school and was very defiant of everything my Mom said or told me to do. When I turned thirteen she told me that I wouldn't like her until I was 19. Oh how true that was! On my eighteenth birthday my Mom gave me one of my greatest possessions. A book called "I Liked You At 10, I'll Like You Again." It's a book of poems about children and their relationships with their mothers from age 1-21. For each year my Mom put a special little note for every milestone I hit. And at the end, there's a poem about how children leave the nest and get married. There isn't a better title to describe my relationship with my mother. She liked me at 10 and now she likes me again :)

So, back to our house. The last few months have been an emotional rollercoaster with our new house. Our land lord is crazy (no joke). We're realizing the financial pressure that is about to be put on us in 10 days when we mail out our rent check. But through it all our parents have been very supportive. Especially mine. I know I'm biased, but my parents have bent over backwards for Tyler and I. My Mom refinished all of our hardwood floors at a ridiculously low price so our land lord would think we were good renters. She has also cleaned the house more then once and each trip she brings something new for the house that was much needed. Today my parents unloaded the truck with new rugs and other things we can't do without. Dad also came prepared with his tape measure and headed to the closest to measure how much lumber he would need for closet shelves. We then headed to Home Depot where we got a cart load stuff for our bathroom and new shelves. My parents then wrote out a $200 check; not thinking twice about it. And again, I was holding back the tears. Twice in one day! Really Mom and Dad!

Wait there's more. And this was the kicker. For my bridal shower in June, my parents our first months rent. The weight of the world is off mine and Tyler's shoulder right now. All because of these wonderful people I have the privilege of calling Mom and Dad. Now let me make something clear. My parents don't buy my love with money. They never have. But right now they know what we need and they know how to provide for us. And I know they'll always be there when I need them. God really knew what he was doing when he gave them to me. I'm not sure how I'll ever be able to repay them for all they've done for us.

Let Me Clarify...

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has been emailing me and giving me input about my last few posts! I really appreciate all the advice. Lord knows I need it! I realized after reading my post from yesterday that it was very vague. So let me just clarify what's going on with my job and school situation.

I have accepted an assistant teacher position at Woodland Montessori School in Harrisonburg. In the Spring I completed a 100 hour practicum there and fell in love with every aspect of the school. I soon realized that I didn't want to teach in public schools anymore and that Montessori School's are where I belong. There are several reasons and I'll go into that in another post at a later date. This realization was huge and changed my entire perspective on what I wanted to do with my life. After finishing this school year as an assistant teacher, I will go to Richmond for 6 weeks for a very intense Montessori Certification program next summer. Then, in the Fall of 2012, I will be an actual Montessori School Teacher!

After accepting the job and having the next few years planned out for me, I had to figure out what I was going to do with school. I decided that I will not be teaching in the Spring or finishing my ESL endorsement. To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever return to public schools. Montessori school has completely changed my heart and philosophy on education. My academic professor went over all of my options and we decided that student teaching would not be beneficial for me with the direction I'm taking. I feel that I need to concentrate on the Montessori Method and learn as much as I can! Furthermore, because of making the decision to not student teach, I cut out 3 classes. I went from a whopping 19 credits down to 13. This will take off so much stress in the Fall and I'm pretty excited about getting to slow down and enjoy my last semester.

However, don't worry, I have a back up plan! If I ever decided to return to public schools I would simply finish my student teaching through my Master's program (which I was planning on doing anyway). My academic advisor believes that if I wanted to return to public schools I wouldn't have any problem getting back in and finishing my student teaching.

A Leap of Faith

Well, here I go again. Making more decisions. I've learned that over the last few weeks, the decisions I've made recently will impact me for the next few years and ultimately the rest of my life. We've decided to sign a lease for a year. I decided to make the transition from public schools to Montessori School. And tonight, I decided to not student teach.

I'll be honest, my head and my heart have been going at it for weeks with this decision. My head is telling me "Just do it! You're so close!" And my heart is telling me, "Is this really what you want?" I've worked my tail off for the last three years to get my teaching degree. I got an A in every single education class I've taken. I passed all the state licencing/certification tests! All 4 of them! And after a lot of thought, the decision was made. I took student teaching, 2 practicums, and my last two education classes off my class schedule. I will officially graduate in December with my FCS degree.

This hasn't been an easy decision. For the last two years I've begged the education department director to assign me to Laura Logan for my student teaching. And the professors gladly paired us up. I couldn't imagine a more exciting 8 weeks with a woman who is one of the strongest and caring educators I know. But, I've realized one thing. It's not what I want anymore. My heart is pulling me closer and closer to Woodland Montessori. It's telling me that it's where I belong. And I agree. I can't help but smile when I see the kids doing their work and choosing what they want to learn. The teachers and students are more then I could ask for. And I believe in the philosophy whole heartedly. It's meant to be.

So here begins my leap of faith :)

I'm Taking A Stand Against Breast Cancer!

Over the last few weeks I'm realizing just how important the name of my blog is to me. The Pink Ribbons portion that is. As some of you may know, I'm walking in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk two weeks after my wedding! Not only will I be walking 60 miles (20 miles every day) but I also have to raise $2300! While my 3 day website can only say a paragraph or two, I wanted to take the time to explain my "Why".

My list of "Whys" continues to grow as each day passes. It seems like every day I hear of another person affected by breast cancer or someone battling this horrible disease. I first became acquainted with breast cancer almost six years ago when I started dating Tyler. His grandmother, who I claim as my own now, was finishing up her radiation treatment as I made my way into the family. It didn't hit me until a couple of years ago how thankful I am that they caught her cancer early and were able to get rid of it fast. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Furthermore, my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer last July. I on the other hand didn't find out until November. My family is beyond complicated. For over four years I didn't speak to my grandmother because our family was basically split in half over the selling of my Papa's business. After receiving the news of her diagnosis I was crushed and for the first time in four years, the possibility that I'd never get to see her again kicked in. It's really sad that cancer made me realize that. Thankfully, we pushed all hard feeling aside and we were reunited in April. She is not in remission and doing very well. Again, I don't know what I'd do without this strong woman.

And last but not least, the biggest reason I walk: for the women who courageously fought this battle and have went home to God. My heart breaks for these women and their families. However, I can't help but want to celebrate them for all they've done. These women didn't lose their battle. They've won the battle and are now in heaven... cancer free!

So again, if you would like to donate to my walk and give money to cancer research, please visit my 3 Day website: www.the3day.org/goto/KelseySager

Every dollar gets us closer to a cure! Because everyone deserves a lifetime!

It's Official!

It's official! I have accepted a job at Woodland Montessori! I will be an afternoon teacher this upcoming school year and will substitute throughout the year! I am beyond excited about starting my online Montessori class on August 8th and going to my first day of work on August 15th :) It is going to be an amazing school year working with the teachers and children! It was sad leaving them in the Spring after my practicum, but I am so glad that I will be back at Woodland Montessori in exactly 4 weeks!

Even On My Weakest Days, I Get A Little Bit Stronger

Thank God last week is over. More importantly, the last 3 weeks are finally over. In the last three weeks...

Two incredible women (Karen & Andrea) went home after long battles with breast cancer. But, I know they're doing great things in heaven.

Buster was diagnosed with Stage III Lymphoma

We had a major blow up with our land lord, but are getting our windows after an increase in rent

I got a new job :)

I went to the allergist and am allergic to over 40 of the 54 things I was tested for and start a 5 year series of allergy shots in September.

We decided to give Angel to my parents

Whew, is your head spinning?!? Because my mind is still racing and trying to recover. When it rains, it definitely pours. However, God is good and he's gotten me through the last three weeks alive. Once again, things are beginning to fall into place. The next few weeks and months are definitely going to be difficult, but an adventure at the same time. In a little less than a month we will be moved into our new house and in 56 days... WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!



There Goes My Baby

This week has been an absolute blur. Buster's diagnosis has begun to sink in and I feel that I'm taking it better than expected. However, there are many reasons for that. For the first time in weeks, Buster is himself again. He doesn't seem to be in pain and minus his tiredness, he's running, eating, and playing again; which is a complete blessing. He is on a pretty high dose of Prednizone which is a steroid that has shrunk his cancer drastically. We can barely feel his lymphoma tumors, but we know they're still there. However, this medicine is giving us a sense of false hope. The medicine is only temporary. It will not cure or keep the cancer from spreading. But, we'll take what we can get. Every day we have with Buster is a blessing and we're going to enjoy him as long as we can.

The day after his diagnosis I went home and spent a couple hours with him. Just the two of us. He was beginning to regain his strength and I could see his eyes begin to sparkle once again. Time literally stood still as I layed beside Buster and held him close. God was truly keeping time still for me and him. I can't say that I've every appreciated two hours more than I did that day. Every minute I spend with him is precious from now on and I'm going to enjoy that boy as much as I can.

There's one thing that I've promised myself and Buster until God decides to take him home. And that is to get him JJ's vanilla ice cream every time I go home to see him. I will not break this promise. There's no greater joy that walking in the door and being greeted by this furry gentle giant and saying, "I got you JJ's Buster!" He knows what I'm saying. His little stub of a tail starts wiggling and doesn't stop until he's finished his ice cream. For the first time in his life he's also getting fed table scraps. The rest of his time on earth is sure to be the happiest and best time of his life.

Again, cancer has brought on something that I'd never thought I'd see again. Seeing my Dad cry. I've only seen my Dad cry once, and that was when my Papa passed away from cancer over ten years ago. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a gentle giant, but he holds his tears back well. While I was visiting with him and Buster today he told me about the evening after Buster came home from the vet. He told me that he could tell Buster was miserable and so he layed down beside him and wept. Tears came to my eyes as he told me this story. My Dad is a strong man, but in this instance, he's realized that it's ok to cry. Buster is worth every tear. Cancer has a way of bringing out hidden fears and emotions that normally don't show. And it will forever change my family after this.

Today I went through with one of the easiest yet hardest decisions I've ever made. I decided to let my parents keep Angel. Permanently. Tyler and I have had Angel, our adopted 11 year old Boston Terrier, for a little over 3 months now. After my Mom told me that Buster had Stage III Lymphoma I immediately, without thinking, told her that they could have Angel. My family has realized that when Buster does pass, our 16 year old Bischon Frise, Tynie, will probably join Buster in heaven because of a broken heart. Losing Buster is more than we can handle. Losing both of them would be an absolute tragedy. And I honestly I don't know if my Dad would make it out alive. Those two furry boys are his world. He spends more time with the dogs than he does anyone else in the family. I can't bare the thought of watching my Dad slowly drift away after their passings.

As I pulled into the driveway this morning I realized I was doing the right thing. My family needs Angel more then Tyler and I need her. She will help my family bounce back and keep Tynie alive for a little longer. She is an absolute joy and will fit right in with my Mom, Dad, and sister. I will dearly miss having that little girl around the house and having her as a bed partner, but she's needed elsewhere. We've been blessed with her for three months and now it's my parent's turn to enjoy her.



Watching the three of them play outside was one of my prayers being answered. I hoped that she would adjust well and she has. The next few weeks are going to rough. The realization of lymphoma is slowly beginning to sink in. The more I think of it, the madder I get. I'm still asking God why, even though I know I shouldn't question him. I know he has better plans for Buster in heaven. And yes, I believe all dogs go to heaven. I know I'll see Buster again one day. And as my friend Wes put in a previous comment, Buster will be running cancer free in heaven soon. Praise God!

I'm Not Ready To Say Goodbye...

Numbness. Anger. Mourning. I'm at a loss of words right now but my feelings are uncontrollable. Once again, I heard that five letter word that I despise... cancer. This time I didn't hear it, I read it on the sheet the vet gave us after taking my four year old boxer Buster there this morning. Buster has been diagnosed with Stage III Lymphoma. The cancer has spread to most of his lymph nodes and chemotherapy would only prolong his life, not cure him. We've chosen not to proceed with chemotherapy and are now focused on keeping him comfortable. I can only pray that God takes him home before he is in too much pain.

 If I hear that word one more time I'm going to lose it. My heart has been broken over and over again in the last three weeks. This time hurts the worst. It's been about 10 years since I've felt pain like this. Ten years ago I lost a man I loved dearly and now in a matter of days my little Buster will be in heaven. My tears are falling down uncontrollably and I've already began to mourn because I know his days are limited. I am anything but ready to say goodbye.

Buster is not just a dog. He's my little brother. He's my baby. He's the one who would comfort me when I fought with my parents in high school. He's the one who slept beside me when it was thundering outside. And he's been an absolute joy the last four years. I only wish I could live over those four years a couple more times. Losing him hurts just as bad as losing a family member, because he is my family.

I can't help but feel angry and sad at the same time. I'm going to miss that boy more then words can say. Life will not be the same without him. He is irreplaceable. At the same time I'm mad as hell. I refuse to let cancer keep doing this to my heart and my family! I can't take any more heartbreak! I'm determined to help find a cure for cancer... human and canine!

God Only Takes The Best...

In the last 3 weeks two of the strongest, most amazing and inspirational women I know have been called home to God after battling breast cancer. After attending Karen's memorial service a little over a week ago I still battled with why God took her. And today, Andrea Lohr went home to her heavenly father. Again, I'm battling with this. My heart is breaking like never before. After reading Matt's Caring Bridge journal entry last night I began to understand God's plan for Andrea. He said that the only reason he believes God is taking her at such a young age is because he has bigger plans for her in heaven then on earth. And so I've come to the conclusion that God only takes the best.

Karen's husband Andy posted this song earlier and I couldn't help but repost it. This song is so beautiful and powerful.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Andrea was one of a kind. I hung onto every word she said. Her testimony is one of the most powerful things my ears have ever heard. She had such a love for her family, God, and finding a cure for cancer. I never thought I'd see the day Andrea Lohr went home to heaven. If anyone could beat it, it was her. And in the end, she did beat this horrible disease. She won! And now she is celebrating in heaven and we'll start celebrating her life!

That smile gets me every time! You'll always be in my heart Andrea! Your light will always be shining down on us!

God, grant me the serenity...

After writing my last post, I finally felt like my life was getting back to normal and I had a little more control over it. Boy was I wrong! The last week has been by far the most stressful week of my life. More stressful then finals week (all of them combined), wedding planning, or anything else. I'm pulling my hair out right now and haven't cried this much in years. I'll admit, when we got engaged at 18 and decided to get married at 20, I knew I had a challenging couple years ahead. I expected that I would to have to deal with things that normal 20 year olds wouldn't have to experience. However, I did not sign up for a psycho landlord or all of stress we've been through with this house.

I never thought that at 20 I would...

Be an emotional wreck over a house (that I didn't even own)

Freak out over the number of guests invited to our wedding

Make a minor (yet major) career change

Not want to teach in public schools

Call my Mom at 11:00 at night not able to speak because of the tears

I just want a safe place to live, have a nice wedding, find a job I love, and live happily ever after. Is that to much to ask?!? I think not.

I've worked too hard to get anything less then that!

Regardless of all that's going on, I'm blessed to have people that stand by me 100%. I bragged on Tyler last post, so now it's time to brag on Mom. After calling her out of bed at 11:00 p.m. (when she has to get up at 4 a.m.) I was once again reassured that everything was going to be alright. Of course things are going to be alright, because Mom is always there to catch me when I'm about to fall flat on my face. Figuratively and literally. She refuses to watch her daughter struggle. She knows what I've went through to get where I'm at and fights for me every step of the way. She's been in my shoes and has went through much more than I have and does all she can to help me and Tyler out. And she will always go great lengths to make sure we're taken care of. I am by no means spoiled, just simply blessed by a mother who understands what I'm going through and does everything she can to help. As long as I have her (and Tyler & my family & friends) I'm the richest person to ever live.

I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

The one prayer that came to my mind tonight was

 "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the different."

Can I hear an Amen!

Amen!

Be Though My Vision

Saturday was the ultimate breakdown day. I had had enough and before I knew it the tears were coming down. Not just for an hour, but pretty much the whole night. And the culprit behind this meltdown... FEAR of change! After working all day Saturday and having a pretty good day I came home and read an email from our new landlord. For the last several weeks we had been asking for new windows and her final decision was NO (more like absolutely no). That was the last straw with the house we had been working on for last few months. We had spent countless hours painting and cleaning the place up and she wouldn't give us new windows! I was furious. At that point I didn't want anything to do with our new house or our landlord. Then the fear set in. What were we going to do? Where were we going to live?

 (Thankfully, everything is now resolved!)

To top it all off, all of these other ideas that have been in the back of my mind for a while came forward.

1. We're getting married in 69 days (yay!)

2. I don't have a full time job (boo!)

3. Tyler has to take care of everything financially

4. I have one more year of school left (whew!)

and the biggest of all...

5. I don't want to teach in public schools

Talk about a brain overload! The first four thoughts had been around for a while and come out of my mouth a couple times a month. I had become use to all of these thoughts. They were no big deal. But for the first time ever the words "I don't want to teach in public schools" came out of my mouth. I did it. My heart finally told my brain my true desire. And at that point it hit me what I needed to do with my life.

Teach at a Montessori School.

Ever since the end of the school year, my friend Crystal, who is a teacher at Woodland Montessori has been hinting to me that she needed an assistant teacher during the upcoming school year. And every time it came up my response was, "I have to finish college. But, I would take the job in a heartbeat if I was done with school." After seeing her Friday night I couldn't stop thinking about the Montessori School. And on Saturday the realization of what I could do really hit. I could still finish school and work at the Montessori School. After this realization I became hysterical. For the first time in years I didn't have a set plan. My plan that had been set for the last five years just went out the window! Now what!?! Do I interview for the assistant teacher position? Do I finish school full force? Do I teach in public schools or drop everything to pursue Montessori? I'll admit, I don't deal with change well... at all! And worse yet, I don't deal well with the fear that is attached to change, especially a big change like this because it is very much life changing.

Thank God that I have a rock like Tyler  to support me. He's always there to calm me down and bring me back down to earth. And I'm truly blessed to have all of his support. After I told him about my huge decision to interview for the position, he just smiled and said, "Do whatever makes you happy." He couldn't have given me a better answer. He knows exactly what makes me happy. The last thing Tyler said to me before I went to bed on Saturday was "Just Pray". And I did. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. As I attempted to drift off to sleep one song made it's way into my head... Be Thou My Vision.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

 

(Talk about a powerful hymn!)

That night I realized something huge. God has a plan for me. Even though at times (especially this time) when I don't know what path to go down, he's leading me down the path I should be on. I now feel a peace that I haven't felt in quite a while. I know I'm going down the right path.  And it's such an amazing feeling.

My meeting with the director went great this morning! And I will either be an assistant teacher or evening teacher in the Fall! Either way, I'm back in action at Woodland Montessori! I honestly couldn't be happier :)

With a heavy heart...

Cancer sucks. I can't stress or express this enough. No other word brings about so many emotions. When I hear it I battle with feelings of anger, rage, discouragement, disbelief, and of all things, hope. Most of the time I battle with the first four feelings. But in the end, I've learned that it also brings the only thing that can get me through hearing this word. HOPE.

Yesterday was a pretty rough day. At around 10:30 last night I received a text message that left me in tears and with feelings of anger and disbelief. My friend Karen, who has been an inspiration to me from the first day I met her, went home to the Lord yesterday afternoon. For the last several years Karen has battled breast cancer and for the past two years, a very serious and agressive type of breast cancer. Regardless of all her challenges, she always had a smile on her face that was contagious. She was such an inspiration and a strong woman.

I still haven't figured out why the strongest and Godliest women develop this horrible disease. Breast cancer affects one in every eight women. No woman (or anyone else for that matter) should have to hear those three words, "You have cancer." I can only pray that I'll never have to hear those three words.

Regardless of all the horrible things that cancer brings about, it still brings me HOPE. I hope that I will see the day when there is a cure for cancer. And I WILL see that day and I'll be part of the cure. This is the whole reason I'm walking 60 miles in September. To find a cure for breast cancer.

Karen, your smile and strength will always be ingrained in our hearts!

About Me



-I'm a total dog lover. Our Boston Terrier Angel is the joy of my life. However, I secretly love hearing our kitty Lilly purr while she sleeps on me. She's growing on me.

-My hair is curly. And I mean really curly! Some days I hate it, but most days I love it.

- I'm obsessed with the color pink and am super excited that my wedding color is pink.

- I have one tattoo. My magnolia puts a smile on my face every time I look at my side.

- Right now I'm in a pretty exciting phase of my life. Wedding. New Husband. New House. Bright Future :)

- One day I will be free and it's because I earned it! I can't wait to be my own boss!

- I'm a proud firefighter's wife (well almost). Pagers going off and fire engine sirens don't phase me anymore.

- I don't eat melons. No watermelon, cantaloupe, or honeydew for me.

- I'm a perfectionist. And slightly OCD. End of story.

- I'm a addicted to chocolate. But what woman isn't.

- As a child, I was addicted to spinach. No joke. I ate it by the cans!

- I'm in love with my engagement ring and and my Tiffany's diamond and sapphire wedding band. But I'm even more in love with my future husband.

- I'm a sucker for pedicures and pink nail polish. They're a must.

- My mom is one of the strongest women I know and I'm beyond blessed to have her as my Mom.

- I'm walking 60 miles in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk two weeks after my wedding! Craziness!

- I was my high school valedictorian. Yes, I was a total nerd.

- Tennis was my life in high school. It's sad that I haven't picked up my racquet in over a year. I want to get out and hit the court so bad!

- Between the ages of 8 and 13 I had braces twice, Mom gave a me a "girl" bowl cut, I had glasses and my closest friends were boys. Let's just say I was anything but accept by my peers, especially the girls.

- Cancer sucks. Period. And I'm bound and determined to help find a cure. That's why I Relay.

- One day, I'm going to write a memoir.

- I love my business team. OTOV is my second family.

- Tyler and I have 3 kayaks. Two blue and one green. I'm still waiting on my pink kayak.

- I love to cook and bake. But, I'm notorious for leaving the stove and oven on after I'm done.

- I stink at Grammar. I'm really surprised I pulled of a B+ in Grammar, Style, and Editing. I feel sorry for my future students when it comes to grammar.

- I love Bridgewater College. I'm still in shock that I'm graduating next May. But I'm so ready!

-At age 16 I had a gum graph and was the youngest patient my periodontist had ever had. My gums hate me.

-I drive a 2005 Chrysler Pacifica. Some call it the Mommy van. But actually, it's an SUV. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Even though it's a gas guzzler, I can fit 7 people in it. Totally worth it.

-There aren't any children in the forecast soon. Tyler and I are going to wait to have little Burgoyne's for quite a while. Plus, when we have children, I want to be free! So I have to get my freedom first!

- I'm blessed by so many wonderful people in my life.

The Second Love of my Life

Well, I hate to break it to Tyler, but I'm letting the world know about the second love of my life. Don't worry though, Tyler's known about this other person for quite a while (4 years to be exact). I think he's had plenty of time to get over it :) Haha!

Ok, time to get serious now. The second love of my life and my better (female) half is my best friend, Megan Alexander. Megan and I have quite an interesting history and such an amazing friendship. Here's how it all began...

Nearly four years ago, Megan and I met at Massanutten Regional Governor's School (a.k.a Gov School). For the first half of the year, I sat across from this smart and beautiful girl and never branched out of my comfort zone/corner table to go over and say hi to her. Then, our paths crossed one day in our English class when we were partnered up to peer edit each other's papers. I had written my paper about tennis, which sparked our first common interest. Like myself, Megan also played tennis for her high school. It was friendship at first sight. Later that school year, Megan and I had the opportunity to go on the Senior Bay Trip (even though we were juniors). That trip was the ultimate bonding experience! We learned how to cook together, break off fish heads, and even participated in the Marsh Olympics (where Megan was declared the Marsh Queen and I never made it to the finish line!). After that trip we were attached at the hip and the rest is history :)

Yes, we fell asleep on a moving boat!

Real women snap fish in two :) 

Less than two weeks after Megan left for her freshman year at George Mason University, Tyler popped the question, and Megan got the honor of being the first to know about our engagement and at that moment I asked her to be my Maid of Honor.

This precious girl I call my best friend is an absolute joy in my life. We laugh together. We cry together. We raid Victoria's Secret together(way too much)! And we confide in each other with everything! I'm so blessed to have her in my life and have her stand beside me on my wedding day.

During my bridal shower a few weeks ago, my aunt passed around a little magnolia notebook for everyone to write little bits of advice for me. Here's what Megan wrote.

Kels,

I am so glad we met that day at Gov school. I couldn't imagine a sweeter more caring best friend. If there is anyone in this world that deserves every Tiffany ring and Coach bag it's you. Better yet, you deserve all the happiness in your married life. I look forward to your wedding day. Today has been so much fun and only makes me excited for 9-10-11. You will be beautiful! I love you and you will always be my best friend, partner in crime, and of course my Vickie's buddy (Victoria's Secret)! I look forward to many more memories with you!

XOXO- Your Maid of Honor

This is why I love this girl :)