Be Though My Vision

Saturday was the ultimate breakdown day. I had had enough and before I knew it the tears were coming down. Not just for an hour, but pretty much the whole night. And the culprit behind this meltdown... FEAR of change! After working all day Saturday and having a pretty good day I came home and read an email from our new landlord. For the last several weeks we had been asking for new windows and her final decision was NO (more like absolutely no). That was the last straw with the house we had been working on for last few months. We had spent countless hours painting and cleaning the place up and she wouldn't give us new windows! I was furious. At that point I didn't want anything to do with our new house or our landlord. Then the fear set in. What were we going to do? Where were we going to live?

 (Thankfully, everything is now resolved!)

To top it all off, all of these other ideas that have been in the back of my mind for a while came forward.

1. We're getting married in 69 days (yay!)

2. I don't have a full time job (boo!)

3. Tyler has to take care of everything financially

4. I have one more year of school left (whew!)

and the biggest of all...

5. I don't want to teach in public schools

Talk about a brain overload! The first four thoughts had been around for a while and come out of my mouth a couple times a month. I had become use to all of these thoughts. They were no big deal. But for the first time ever the words "I don't want to teach in public schools" came out of my mouth. I did it. My heart finally told my brain my true desire. And at that point it hit me what I needed to do with my life.

Teach at a Montessori School.

Ever since the end of the school year, my friend Crystal, who is a teacher at Woodland Montessori has been hinting to me that she needed an assistant teacher during the upcoming school year. And every time it came up my response was, "I have to finish college. But, I would take the job in a heartbeat if I was done with school." After seeing her Friday night I couldn't stop thinking about the Montessori School. And on Saturday the realization of what I could do really hit. I could still finish school and work at the Montessori School. After this realization I became hysterical. For the first time in years I didn't have a set plan. My plan that had been set for the last five years just went out the window! Now what!?! Do I interview for the assistant teacher position? Do I finish school full force? Do I teach in public schools or drop everything to pursue Montessori? I'll admit, I don't deal with change well... at all! And worse yet, I don't deal well with the fear that is attached to change, especially a big change like this because it is very much life changing.

Thank God that I have a rock like Tyler  to support me. He's always there to calm me down and bring me back down to earth. And I'm truly blessed to have all of his support. After I told him about my huge decision to interview for the position, he just smiled and said, "Do whatever makes you happy." He couldn't have given me a better answer. He knows exactly what makes me happy. The last thing Tyler said to me before I went to bed on Saturday was "Just Pray". And I did. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. As I attempted to drift off to sleep one song made it's way into my head... Be Thou My Vision.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

 

(Talk about a powerful hymn!)

That night I realized something huge. God has a plan for me. Even though at times (especially this time) when I don't know what path to go down, he's leading me down the path I should be on. I now feel a peace that I haven't felt in quite a while. I know I'm going down the right path.  And it's such an amazing feeling.

My meeting with the director went great this morning! And I will either be an assistant teacher or evening teacher in the Fall! Either way, I'm back in action at Woodland Montessori! I honestly couldn't be happier :)