In The Garden

Who knew something so tragic could turn into something so peaceful and healing for my family. Today was the first time I had been home since Sunday. When I got out of my car I couldn't help but look under the tree where Buster was layed to rest. On Sunday it was nothing but dirt, but today it was a breath of fresh air. My Mom is in the process of turning the area under our backyard tree into a memorial garden for our beloved furry family members. Buster's headstone is a beautiful round patterned stone and on his headstone sits a statue of a squirrel. Not just any squirrel. A particularly chubby squirrel. This site brought a smile to my face and I began laughing to myself. My Mom has the best sense of humor, which is exactly what we need right now. We all got a kick out of seeing the chubby squirrel sitting on Buster's headstone. What's even more ironic is that for the first time in months, two squirrels came down and played in the garden. I'm sure Buster's in heaven right now chasing squirrels :)

In addition to the cute chubby squirrel, my Mom has also put in a stone bench for us to sit on and soak up the peace of the garden. The seat of the bench reads "Leave a path for the Angels to walk through." And again, the saying is pretty ironic because of Angel, our adopted Boston Terrier. Angel walks through the garden all the time because she likes the dirt, so we have left her a path to walk through. It reminds me of the first day that I brought Angel to my parents she ran through our vegetable garden without a second thought. Buster couldn't understand why she was allowed to go through the garden but he wasn't.

I couldn't imagine a more serene and peaceful way to remember Buster and I'm really looking forward to planting flowers in his garden next year and watching them bloom into something beautiful.

Simply Blessed

The last few weeks have been rough. Really rough. But, I've never been more blessed. And I've learned to appreciate life more than ever in the last few weeks. After all I went through yesterday, today was more than I could ask for. I woke up with a new attitude and put my sorrows behind me. Yes, I miss Buster more than ever and it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about him, but I was constantly smiling when I thought of him today. There were little reminders of him everywhere. When we took him to the vet yesterday, we forgot his collar and leash. So, I pulled a hot pink hankerchief out of my back pocket and tied it on his neck. He wore it until the vet arrived. That pink hanky is now tied around my rear view mirror. I can't help but smile when I see it. There have also been other signs of him. I saw a rainbow for the first time in weeks on my way home from work. It was pretty ironic because my former teacher Mrs. Warner posted on my facebook wall last night, "He will be waiting for you on the Rainbow Bridge." And I know he is :) Mom and I also went to pick out the stones for Buster's garden. I can't wait to see how everything turns out and I know it's going to be a very special place to go and remember him.

I also had the privilege of visiting with my Grammy today in Winchester. While I was there we started working on my table runners for the wedding reception. For the first time in years, I sat at a sewing machine. It felt so good. And it felt even better sewing with her. It made me think about to the summers I spent with her as a child. For two summers in a row, all I would do was sew and work on my quilts. I desperately miss it and am determined to finish quilt in the near future. As we pinned and sewed the table runners she talked about how excited about the wedding. Her words were bitter sweet, because five months ago she wasn't in my life. And now I couldn't imagine not having her be there for my wedding.

God is good!

So, here we are... 12 days until the wedding! While waiting for my coffee at Starbucks I was telling the guy making my coffee that I was getting married next Saturday. I had to step back and take a reality check. Next weekend! Ohmygoodness!  I'm so ready to become Tyler's wife and I can't believe how the last two and even the last six years have went.

Regardless of all the heartache and pain, I'm blessed beyond belief and I'm ready to start this new chapter of my life <3

Go Rest High On That Mountain

As I answered the phone this morning I felt the numbness I felt on July 12th, the day we discovered Buster's lymphoma. When I saw Ranee's number I knew that it was time. She didn't say much, just that I needed to come home immediately. I prayed that Buster had went peacefully in his sleep but that wasn't the case as I walked in the door and saw him. He looked so tired and in so much pain. As we packed up to head to Winchester to relieve him of his pain, Mom told me that when he was outside this morning he dug two holes in the place where we buried him this afternoon. Yes, you heard me correctly. Buster dug his own hole and a second one for Tynie. He was ready to die and finally have rest. And it seems that he knew that Tynie's time here is short as well.

The ride to Winchester was peaceful yet full of sorrow as Buster lay on my lap in the back seat. As we walked into the vet hospital, Dad decided to decline from being in the room with him when he passed. Seeing him say Goodbye to Buster was the hardest things I've ever witnessed. My Dad is a many of many words, but today he couldn't have been more quiet. I've never seen my Dad cry as much as he did today and neither has Mom. I lost it when he gave Buster one last hug and told him that he loved him. My Dad lost his son and his baby today. And he later told me that this is the hardest thing he's ever went through.

We then were taken to a side room and waited there for what seemed an eternity. There were several animals who came in critical care as we taken to our room, which meant the doctor couldn't see us for over an hour and a half. In a way I'm glad we had to wait. It gave me extra time to spend with Buster. I layed on the floor next to him the whole time and just held him. Every twenty minutes or so he would get up and move to the door and just stare at it. It was almost as if he was wanted the vet to hurry up and come in. It still amazes me how ready he was. He wanted to rest so bad and it absolutely breaks my heart. He was tired of being in pain and hurting. When the time came to give him the medicine I layed next to him and watched him take his last breathe and I closed his eyes for him. At that moment I felt the peace that Buster had been longing for. He was finally pain free and cancer free.

The ride home was the longest ride I've every experienced. An hour of silence mixed with my Mom breaking down in the back seat as she held Buster. When we finally made it home, we layed Buster underneath a tree and let Tynie and Angel come to terms with it. We all broke down as Tynie layed right next to Buster. He realized his brother is gone and was mourning. Later this afternoon we finished the hole Buster had started and layed him to rest at the foot of the mountain, underneath a tree, in our new memorial garden in the back yard. As Dad put the first dirt on Buster he cried out "God Bless you Buster!" My heart broke all over again when he said this.

We all know that Dad's last words to him were true. God blessed us with Buster and he deserves every bit of blessing. Even though his time with us was short, he was a joy everyday and his spirit will live on. As we put him to rest, a strong yet calming wind came. I believe with my whole heart that it was a sign from Buster. I miss that boy terribly, but I couldn't be happier for him. He's finally where he's been longing to be for the last few weeks. I know he's up in heaven right now looking down on us. And I know he's also up there chasing squirrels and running cancer free. And that just makes me smile.

In my heart I knew he wouldn't make it to the wedding day. It was my wish and even though it didn't come true, my prayers were still answered. All I've been asking for for the past few days is peace for Buster. And he got it today. In a way, I'm glad he chose today to be the day. Because I honestly don't think I could have handled his passing any closer to the wedding day. Even though he won't be there physically, he'll still be there in spirit.

I can only hope that no one ever has to go through what I've went through today. This has been by far the hardest day of my life. But, I wouldn't change a thing. I was there with him during his last breathes and that is so special to me. I've realized that God wanted Buster for a reason and his cancer made us realize how precious life is and how he was anything but a pet or a dog. He was my brother and my baby and I was blessed to have him in my life for four years.

Of all the songs that came to mind today, this one is perfect.

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

InstrumentalGo rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

God Bless you Buster!

Buster Jewel Sager
December 5, 2006 - August 28, 2011

Praying at 4 a.m.

After spending the evening/night with Duane and Joni in Richmond at a rally with one our business' leaders, I found myself driving home from Harrisonburg at 4 a.m. During my drive home I began reflecting on how my day had went and what all the next two weeks have in store. My mind immediately went to my sweet Buster

.

Since my last post we've doubled his steroid intake and he was back to his old self. Until two days ago. As I was cleaning with Mom yesterday we started talking about the wedding, which led to Buster. There's a slim chance he'll be here for the wedding. His abdomen is starting to bloat and he is more tired than ever. Mom said that if he isn't better by the first of September, which is next week, we'll put him to rest. My heart shattered when Mom spoke these words. I can't handle any more false hopes. I can't handle what is about to unfold in the next two weeks. I can't handle losing Buster before the wedding. It's hard enough planning a wedding and moving into a new house, but it's been much harder getting over Buster's diagnosis the last month and a half. September 10 will be two days shy of two months since his diagnosis. And I can only pray for a miracle that Buster will be there on our wedding day.

I've been reluctant to share my wedding plans regarding Buster with my family because of his health. But, if it's God's will and he's still with us on our wedding day, he will walk down the aisle with Ranee and he'll sit with Mom and Dad during the service. That's all I want at this point. I'm to the point where I don't care what little details don't go right on our wedding day. There's more important things to think about.

 Just a few days ago I went to visit Buster and his little nub of a tail wouldn't stop wagging. He looks fine on the outside but we know he's just putting on a smile for us. Every time I go home I can see the pain in my family's eyes. Especially my Dad's. In addition to Buster's lymphoma, Tynie, our 16 year old Bischon isn't doing well. We believe he's had two light strokes in the last few months and as Buster dwindles away, so does Tynie. These boys are our babies, especially my Dad's.

So, back to my 4 a.m. ride home. Reflecting on Mom's words from that afternoon really hit me hard. I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life. But it all came down to one thing. Keeping Buster alive until the wedding. I know I'm basically asking for a miracle, but I know that if it's God's will, it will be done.

Overwhelmed... but in a good way

The last few days have been non stop and a little overwhelming for the soon to be Burgoyne's. On Wednesday we got our marriage license (we're almost official!), bought a new washer and dryer (compliments of my wonderful parents), and made 1,001 stops (well, maybe not that many) in Harrisonburg to get some necessities for our house. Thursday and Friday consisted of me working two 11 hour days while trying to move our stuff into the new house. And most importantly...Saturday was MOVE IN DAY (thank the Lord!) After months of painting, cleaning up, and fixing up the house, we can now call this hilltop HOME! After moving all of our belongings and furniture we were finally able to spend the evening organizing and decorating. We're about halfway done unpacking everything (which is mostly my stuff) and still have the bathroom and laundry room to be finished this week. It's amazing to see each room come together as we make this space our own.

In addition to all of last week's madness, I started my new job at Woodland Montessori today :) It feels so good to be back and I can't wait to see the kids again! The girls at work have welcomed me back with open arms and I feel more at peace than ever with my decision. It's going to be a great school year!

Furthermore, I am still in shock that it's already August. I blinked and missed summer. We only have 26 days until the wedding! And I am far from being prepared for what is about to unfold that day. We still have numerous things to finish with the reception area and other logistics. But, no matter what, I know that everything is going to get done and I just need to stop stressing about it.

On the bright side, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow because for the first time I get to wear my dress for half the day! I'll be spending most of tomorrow evening with my photographer, Rebekah Girvan, at Bridgewater College snapping pictures of me in my gorgeous dress :) As I tried it on today with my veil, I got that overwhelming feeling that reality is getting ready to set in. But it was a good overwhelming feeling.

 I'm marrying my best friend in 26 days! Dreams do come true!

Lessons Learned

I've been dreading this day since July 12th. I knew it would come. I just didn't know when. As I walked into my parent's house today my heart sank and I broke down. Buster can't keep his food down anymore. I walked over to him with his tail going as fast as it could and I immediately felt the lumps that we had felt a little less than a month ago. The cancer is spreading and it's only a matter of time. So here I am again, starting over with the grief and hurt that has come with Buster's diagnosis of Stage III lymphoma. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's been very difficult.

And again, like the day after his diagnosis, I laid on the floor with him and just held him and sobbed. I know God has a reason for everything, but I just can't figure this one out. Why Buster? Why at age 4? Why my family? And why cancer?

I know that in the last several posts all I've talked about is his lymphoma. So I thought I'd use this post to talk about the lessons I've learned from Buster over the last 4 years.

Live Life To The Fullest

This has been Buster's motto since he came into our lives on January 30, 2007. Within the first year of his life, Buster managed to get Mom new flooring, new baseboards, new telephone cords, and a couple other things. Mom says that he listened to her wants and needs and made them come true :) Dad on the other hand wasn't so fond of Buster's motto. However, this gentle giant grew on him and they were best friends in no time. Even though Buster has caused a good bit of damage at my parent's house, we always get a good laugh out of it. When we came home on Christmas Eve 2007 after our church play, we found the hall carpet ripped up and the baseboards destroyed. Mom laughed and said, "Looks like I'm getting my new flooring after all!" While Dad gave Buster a death stare.

Unconditional Love Conquers All 

The single most amazing thing about dogs is their unconditional love and ability to understand feelings. No matter how mad I was at Buster for chewing something or running off and exploring the neighborhood he always would cuddle up and attempt to make up with me. And he always succeeded. The hardest thing in the world is trying to not love him. Buster also has a way of understanding feelings. He knew when I was sad, mad, or not feeling well. Buster was also there with me through my crazy teenage/high school years. He was there to comfort me after I had the biggest arguments with my Mom and there when Tyler and I took a break from dating.  Buster has been through it all. I only wish that he could help me get through the next couple of months. But I know he'll be watching over me.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

This was one of my favorite movies growing up. However, I never thought that my dogs would be called to heaven so soon. I only wish that Buster could have a second chance and come back down to stay. But I know that I'd always be wishing for one more day if that would be the case. I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, dogs go to heaven. And Buster will be a shining star up there. He's been a complete joy and has made a difference in the lives of every one of my family members. He deserves a spot up there. End of story.

So here's to Buster and all the lessons he has taught me :)