It's Official!

It's official! I have accepted a job at Woodland Montessori! I will be an afternoon teacher this upcoming school year and will substitute throughout the year! I am beyond excited about starting my online Montessori class on August 8th and going to my first day of work on August 15th :) It is going to be an amazing school year working with the teachers and children! It was sad leaving them in the Spring after my practicum, but I am so glad that I will be back at Woodland Montessori in exactly 4 weeks!

Even On My Weakest Days, I Get A Little Bit Stronger

Thank God last week is over. More importantly, the last 3 weeks are finally over. In the last three weeks...

Two incredible women (Karen & Andrea) went home after long battles with breast cancer. But, I know they're doing great things in heaven.

Buster was diagnosed with Stage III Lymphoma

We had a major blow up with our land lord, but are getting our windows after an increase in rent

I got a new job :)

I went to the allergist and am allergic to over 40 of the 54 things I was tested for and start a 5 year series of allergy shots in September.

We decided to give Angel to my parents

Whew, is your head spinning?!? Because my mind is still racing and trying to recover. When it rains, it definitely pours. However, God is good and he's gotten me through the last three weeks alive. Once again, things are beginning to fall into place. The next few weeks and months are definitely going to be difficult, but an adventure at the same time. In a little less than a month we will be moved into our new house and in 56 days... WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!



There Goes My Baby

This week has been an absolute blur. Buster's diagnosis has begun to sink in and I feel that I'm taking it better than expected. However, there are many reasons for that. For the first time in weeks, Buster is himself again. He doesn't seem to be in pain and minus his tiredness, he's running, eating, and playing again; which is a complete blessing. He is on a pretty high dose of Prednizone which is a steroid that has shrunk his cancer drastically. We can barely feel his lymphoma tumors, but we know they're still there. However, this medicine is giving us a sense of false hope. The medicine is only temporary. It will not cure or keep the cancer from spreading. But, we'll take what we can get. Every day we have with Buster is a blessing and we're going to enjoy him as long as we can.

The day after his diagnosis I went home and spent a couple hours with him. Just the two of us. He was beginning to regain his strength and I could see his eyes begin to sparkle once again. Time literally stood still as I layed beside Buster and held him close. God was truly keeping time still for me and him. I can't say that I've every appreciated two hours more than I did that day. Every minute I spend with him is precious from now on and I'm going to enjoy that boy as much as I can.

There's one thing that I've promised myself and Buster until God decides to take him home. And that is to get him JJ's vanilla ice cream every time I go home to see him. I will not break this promise. There's no greater joy that walking in the door and being greeted by this furry gentle giant and saying, "I got you JJ's Buster!" He knows what I'm saying. His little stub of a tail starts wiggling and doesn't stop until he's finished his ice cream. For the first time in his life he's also getting fed table scraps. The rest of his time on earth is sure to be the happiest and best time of his life.

Again, cancer has brought on something that I'd never thought I'd see again. Seeing my Dad cry. I've only seen my Dad cry once, and that was when my Papa passed away from cancer over ten years ago. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a gentle giant, but he holds his tears back well. While I was visiting with him and Buster today he told me about the evening after Buster came home from the vet. He told me that he could tell Buster was miserable and so he layed down beside him and wept. Tears came to my eyes as he told me this story. My Dad is a strong man, but in this instance, he's realized that it's ok to cry. Buster is worth every tear. Cancer has a way of bringing out hidden fears and emotions that normally don't show. And it will forever change my family after this.

Today I went through with one of the easiest yet hardest decisions I've ever made. I decided to let my parents keep Angel. Permanently. Tyler and I have had Angel, our adopted 11 year old Boston Terrier, for a little over 3 months now. After my Mom told me that Buster had Stage III Lymphoma I immediately, without thinking, told her that they could have Angel. My family has realized that when Buster does pass, our 16 year old Bischon Frise, Tynie, will probably join Buster in heaven because of a broken heart. Losing Buster is more than we can handle. Losing both of them would be an absolute tragedy. And I honestly I don't know if my Dad would make it out alive. Those two furry boys are his world. He spends more time with the dogs than he does anyone else in the family. I can't bare the thought of watching my Dad slowly drift away after their passings.

As I pulled into the driveway this morning I realized I was doing the right thing. My family needs Angel more then Tyler and I need her. She will help my family bounce back and keep Tynie alive for a little longer. She is an absolute joy and will fit right in with my Mom, Dad, and sister. I will dearly miss having that little girl around the house and having her as a bed partner, but she's needed elsewhere. We've been blessed with her for three months and now it's my parent's turn to enjoy her.



Watching the three of them play outside was one of my prayers being answered. I hoped that she would adjust well and she has. The next few weeks are going to rough. The realization of lymphoma is slowly beginning to sink in. The more I think of it, the madder I get. I'm still asking God why, even though I know I shouldn't question him. I know he has better plans for Buster in heaven. And yes, I believe all dogs go to heaven. I know I'll see Buster again one day. And as my friend Wes put in a previous comment, Buster will be running cancer free in heaven soon. Praise God!

I'm Not Ready To Say Goodbye...

Numbness. Anger. Mourning. I'm at a loss of words right now but my feelings are uncontrollable. Once again, I heard that five letter word that I despise... cancer. This time I didn't hear it, I read it on the sheet the vet gave us after taking my four year old boxer Buster there this morning. Buster has been diagnosed with Stage III Lymphoma. The cancer has spread to most of his lymph nodes and chemotherapy would only prolong his life, not cure him. We've chosen not to proceed with chemotherapy and are now focused on keeping him comfortable. I can only pray that God takes him home before he is in too much pain.

 If I hear that word one more time I'm going to lose it. My heart has been broken over and over again in the last three weeks. This time hurts the worst. It's been about 10 years since I've felt pain like this. Ten years ago I lost a man I loved dearly and now in a matter of days my little Buster will be in heaven. My tears are falling down uncontrollably and I've already began to mourn because I know his days are limited. I am anything but ready to say goodbye.

Buster is not just a dog. He's my little brother. He's my baby. He's the one who would comfort me when I fought with my parents in high school. He's the one who slept beside me when it was thundering outside. And he's been an absolute joy the last four years. I only wish I could live over those four years a couple more times. Losing him hurts just as bad as losing a family member, because he is my family.

I can't help but feel angry and sad at the same time. I'm going to miss that boy more then words can say. Life will not be the same without him. He is irreplaceable. At the same time I'm mad as hell. I refuse to let cancer keep doing this to my heart and my family! I can't take any more heartbreak! I'm determined to help find a cure for cancer... human and canine!

God Only Takes The Best...

In the last 3 weeks two of the strongest, most amazing and inspirational women I know have been called home to God after battling breast cancer. After attending Karen's memorial service a little over a week ago I still battled with why God took her. And today, Andrea Lohr went home to her heavenly father. Again, I'm battling with this. My heart is breaking like never before. After reading Matt's Caring Bridge journal entry last night I began to understand God's plan for Andrea. He said that the only reason he believes God is taking her at such a young age is because he has bigger plans for her in heaven then on earth. And so I've come to the conclusion that God only takes the best.

Karen's husband Andy posted this song earlier and I couldn't help but repost it. This song is so beautiful and powerful.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Andrea was one of a kind. I hung onto every word she said. Her testimony is one of the most powerful things my ears have ever heard. She had such a love for her family, God, and finding a cure for cancer. I never thought I'd see the day Andrea Lohr went home to heaven. If anyone could beat it, it was her. And in the end, she did beat this horrible disease. She won! And now she is celebrating in heaven and we'll start celebrating her life!

That smile gets me every time! You'll always be in my heart Andrea! Your light will always be shining down on us!

God, grant me the serenity...

After writing my last post, I finally felt like my life was getting back to normal and I had a little more control over it. Boy was I wrong! The last week has been by far the most stressful week of my life. More stressful then finals week (all of them combined), wedding planning, or anything else. I'm pulling my hair out right now and haven't cried this much in years. I'll admit, when we got engaged at 18 and decided to get married at 20, I knew I had a challenging couple years ahead. I expected that I would to have to deal with things that normal 20 year olds wouldn't have to experience. However, I did not sign up for a psycho landlord or all of stress we've been through with this house.

I never thought that at 20 I would...

Be an emotional wreck over a house (that I didn't even own)

Freak out over the number of guests invited to our wedding

Make a minor (yet major) career change

Not want to teach in public schools

Call my Mom at 11:00 at night not able to speak because of the tears

I just want a safe place to live, have a nice wedding, find a job I love, and live happily ever after. Is that to much to ask?!? I think not.

I've worked too hard to get anything less then that!

Regardless of all that's going on, I'm blessed to have people that stand by me 100%. I bragged on Tyler last post, so now it's time to brag on Mom. After calling her out of bed at 11:00 p.m. (when she has to get up at 4 a.m.) I was once again reassured that everything was going to be alright. Of course things are going to be alright, because Mom is always there to catch me when I'm about to fall flat on my face. Figuratively and literally. She refuses to watch her daughter struggle. She knows what I've went through to get where I'm at and fights for me every step of the way. She's been in my shoes and has went through much more than I have and does all she can to help me and Tyler out. And she will always go great lengths to make sure we're taken care of. I am by no means spoiled, just simply blessed by a mother who understands what I'm going through and does everything she can to help. As long as I have her (and Tyler & my family & friends) I'm the richest person to ever live.

I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

The one prayer that came to my mind tonight was

 "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the different."

Can I hear an Amen!

Amen!

Be Though My Vision

Saturday was the ultimate breakdown day. I had had enough and before I knew it the tears were coming down. Not just for an hour, but pretty much the whole night. And the culprit behind this meltdown... FEAR of change! After working all day Saturday and having a pretty good day I came home and read an email from our new landlord. For the last several weeks we had been asking for new windows and her final decision was NO (more like absolutely no). That was the last straw with the house we had been working on for last few months. We had spent countless hours painting and cleaning the place up and she wouldn't give us new windows! I was furious. At that point I didn't want anything to do with our new house or our landlord. Then the fear set in. What were we going to do? Where were we going to live?

 (Thankfully, everything is now resolved!)

To top it all off, all of these other ideas that have been in the back of my mind for a while came forward.

1. We're getting married in 69 days (yay!)

2. I don't have a full time job (boo!)

3. Tyler has to take care of everything financially

4. I have one more year of school left (whew!)

and the biggest of all...

5. I don't want to teach in public schools

Talk about a brain overload! The first four thoughts had been around for a while and come out of my mouth a couple times a month. I had become use to all of these thoughts. They were no big deal. But for the first time ever the words "I don't want to teach in public schools" came out of my mouth. I did it. My heart finally told my brain my true desire. And at that point it hit me what I needed to do with my life.

Teach at a Montessori School.

Ever since the end of the school year, my friend Crystal, who is a teacher at Woodland Montessori has been hinting to me that she needed an assistant teacher during the upcoming school year. And every time it came up my response was, "I have to finish college. But, I would take the job in a heartbeat if I was done with school." After seeing her Friday night I couldn't stop thinking about the Montessori School. And on Saturday the realization of what I could do really hit. I could still finish school and work at the Montessori School. After this realization I became hysterical. For the first time in years I didn't have a set plan. My plan that had been set for the last five years just went out the window! Now what!?! Do I interview for the assistant teacher position? Do I finish school full force? Do I teach in public schools or drop everything to pursue Montessori? I'll admit, I don't deal with change well... at all! And worse yet, I don't deal well with the fear that is attached to change, especially a big change like this because it is very much life changing.

Thank God that I have a rock like Tyler  to support me. He's always there to calm me down and bring me back down to earth. And I'm truly blessed to have all of his support. After I told him about my huge decision to interview for the position, he just smiled and said, "Do whatever makes you happy." He couldn't have given me a better answer. He knows exactly what makes me happy. The last thing Tyler said to me before I went to bed on Saturday was "Just Pray". And I did. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. As I attempted to drift off to sleep one song made it's way into my head... Be Thou My Vision.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

 

(Talk about a powerful hymn!)

That night I realized something huge. God has a plan for me. Even though at times (especially this time) when I don't know what path to go down, he's leading me down the path I should be on. I now feel a peace that I haven't felt in quite a while. I know I'm going down the right path.  And it's such an amazing feeling.

My meeting with the director went great this morning! And I will either be an assistant teacher or evening teacher in the Fall! Either way, I'm back in action at Woodland Montessori! I honestly couldn't be happier :)